Sunday, December 30, 2007

More Cavegirl Fancy Dress

With Christmas and the New Year their seem to be even more cavegirl outfits in the fancy dress shops. The first one is very much in the fifties mode, pre Raquel Welch, and probably best, given most women's figures. I like the tooth necklace and armlet. At least this model looks like she could take on a charging Wooly Rhino.

This one looks like she could take on a wolly mammoth!

This one is from a shop in South Africa. Her club looks more like a baseball bat and the outfit, whilst two-piece, looks like it was made from a set of 1970s curtains. Not flattering!

Finally, two views of the same costume. You would have to be very young, fit and have a phenomenally positive self image to get away with this one. I suspect that it is designed more as recreational wear for private use than something you would wear to an event!

Nice dangly bits!

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Cavegirl: Laetitia Casta

Well, she is and she isn't. Gorgeous Norman supermodel Laetitia is wearing an animal print bikini and is nicely posed against some rocks (very Stone Age) but isn't trying to be a cavegirl, sadly. Nevertheless this picture gives off the right vibe, she looks nicely damp and she certainly doesn't suffer compared with Raquel in the figure department.

From the same 1999 (she was 21 at the time) shoot for Sports Illustrated comes this very peculiar fake-fur bikini and this other animal print outfit.

So she's not really a cavegirl but she should be!

Cave Girl Art 2: One Million Years BC

Here is an example of computer generated art entitled One Million Years BC by someone who appears to sign themselves "Terrace".

Like most bad computer art it looks like a still from a game rather than a painting, although some of the really good artists can produce stuff that you can't tell from airbrush work.

It doesn't depict a scene from the film but obviously depicts humans together with dinosaurs so shares the same universe.

The girl has that faintly Oriental look that Japanese artists sometimes achieve when trying to paint westerners. Her outfit consists entirely of leather straps and very un-Stone Age metal rings. More like Keira Knightly in King Arthur than Raquel Welch.

The T-Rex is quite good but the girl is not convincing, although she has a large bust without it looking too silicone like; unusual for the genre.
Cavegirl rating: 4/10

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Cavegirl Art:1 Dian the Beautiful

Cavegirls in fur bikinis have inspired some truly dreadful art in the last forty years or so. I can see what the artists are trying to get over: a mixture, usually, of fiesty, independent huntress and vulnerable, innocent babe in, of course, very (small) tactile fur or doeskin clothes. Some artists manage it better than others and the first attempt I will examine is by former New York policeman and comic book artist Joe Jusko.

This picture is actually entitled Dian the Beautiful and she really comes under the category of "Lost World" babe rather than "cavegirl". It comes from a set of Marvel trading cards under the title of "Joe Jusko does Edgar Rice Burroughs" from 1994. Dian is a character from the 1914 Edgar Rice Burroughs subterranean world novel At the Earth's Core. This was filmed in 1974 with Caroline Munro playing Princess Dia (more of which another time).

This picture is a classic CiFB effort. She has the fur (rather than hide) bikini. She has the typically anachronistic sophisticated boots (more Viking than cavegirl, in reality). She has a necklace made from alarmingly large teeth and she has a spear that could be made of stone (although the point is far to fine for a flint-knapped effort). Best still, she has an accompanying Sabre-toothed cat (or what used to be called a sabre-tooth tiger when I was small).

It's not a bad effort but is rather flat in execution and the colours are a bit garish. Neither the girl nor the smilodon look like they are really firmly on the ground, which is itself, along with the background rocks, rather hastily done. Dian herself looks like a big, strapping muscular sort of girl looking remarkably like Lucy Lawless in Xena: Warrior Princess (which actually aired a year later). Her bust has that rather silicone look about it so beloved of American fantasy artists (no doubt something to do with the girls they use as models) but all in all it's not a bad effort.
Cavegirl Rating: 6/10

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Blonde Cavegirls had more fun

Victoria Silvstedt does cavegirl. Classic mutated genetic material from Northern Europe.

One of the most dubious pieces of “research” I have come across as regards to cavewomen was the study from the University of St Andrews last year (nothing else to do up there, obviously) that prehistoric women evolved blonde hair at the end of the Ice Age to make them stand out in the competition for mates.

The study says that there were food shortages at this time in Northern Europe (10,000-11,000) years ago and the only available food was meat from herds of mammoths, reindeer, bison and horses (for French cave people, presumably). As gathering this involved long, tough hunting trips more men than women died early, leaving a surfeit of cavegirls. The girls with lighter hair colour became popular for breeding leading to the sort of increase in numbers that has resulted in fair-haired modern Northern European women.

The lighter hair was a rare mutation initially and would have died out if it hadn’t become so popular with cavemen.

“Human hair and eye colour are unusually diverse in northern and eastern Europe (and their) origin over a short span of evolutionary time indicates some kind of selection,” says the study by Peter Frost, a Canadian (wouldn’t you know it!) anthropologist.

The theory is that hair and eye colour tend to be uniform in most parts of the world except Europe and those places settled by Europeans. If these hair changes had happened by normal evolutionary methods then it should have taken about 850,000 years to take effect but humans only reached Europe from Africa about 40,000 years ago.

Three Japanese universities (who obviously, also, have nothing better to do) have
isolated the date of the genetic mutation that resulted in blond hair to about 11,000 years ago.

Apparently, the reason is that in Africa there was more reliance on fruit gathering, which women could do, but in Europe, where there was more of a meat diet, gathering food was the preserve of male hunters whilst women stayed at home making fur bikinis. The men got trampled by mammoths, tossed by deer antlers, kicked by horses and gored by bison. So any remaining men were in short supply and were fought over by the women. Blonde hair, apparently, is an indicator of higher oestrogen levels so blondes became selected as better breeders.

"You might be good at mammoth hunting but I've got my eye on that blonde, Luanna!"

Now this is all very well, but it assumes that cavegirls didn’t go hunting but, as this obviously historically accurate painting shows, they may well have done. It also assumes that cavemen only had one mate at a time.

"He's mine, cave-bitch!"

A big assumption, although this may be true. After all, you might think that it is a great idea to have four or five cavegirls in fur bikinis wrestling over who’s going to share your cave bear fur-lined sleeping area but after a short while they would start nagging you and ganging up on you and generally acting like groups of young women do to men. You would quickly evolve into a situation where one cavegirl was quite enough (well, and maybe another one on the side in a cave the other side of the hills).

One thing you can be sure of, though, is that as soon as a dark haired girl saw that her blonde sisters were getting all the attention she would have been straight off to the tribal witch to get her to create a concoction that would dye her hair blonde.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Heather Graham does Cavegirl

I admit to never having seen Heather Graham in a film but she seems quite well thought of. Here she is trying to recreate Raquel's classic costume from One Million Years BC. Whilst she obviously lacks Miss Welch's assets she gets the pose quite well and looks nice and shiny. Seven out of ten, I think.

Grrowl! Heather imitates a Smilodon.

Well, I have revisted this post as I have researched Miss Graham a little more and I withdraw the somewhat derogatory comments about her assets. Nothing lacking about them at all, she makes a fine cave girl in a fur bikini!

We do like a girl in a nice plain vest.

Oh my goodness! Nice frock!

Almost cave firelight here!

So, apologies, Miss Graham, you are welcome at my cave any day. I officially revise your score to eight out of ten.